The Alternative History
Alderley Edge Golf Club
The official history, whilst interesting, clearly is unable to illustrate some of the less, shall we say "entertaining" episodes in the last 100 eventful years. Here, we take a stroll through scandals and amusing incidents of the past.
A particularly well hung ex Captain who lived VERY close to the clubhouse was in the habit of going out to practice at dusk. This was a ruse to meet up with a local female who walked her dog across the course. They would signal to each other using white handkerchiefs, indicating that the coast was clear for a shag in the bushes.
One ex Captain, renowned for having fathered numerous illegitimate offspring in the district, finally "scored" rather close to home and managed to impregnate the Stewardess.This resulted in a committee cover up that MI5 would have been proud of......except that almost everyone knew about it !
In the long hot summer of 1976 it would seem that some local couples got a bit shag-happy. On one ladies day some competitors were shocked to see a couple at it in full view on Butterfly Bank, and were even more surprised to see the young lady run naked down the bank and jump into the brook to cool off.
Also in 1976 the greenstaff went to collect Harold Bailey who had been working near the 4th green. Unable to find him they heard a "shhhhh" sound.
Finally they spotted 60 year old Harold perched some 15 feet up a tree. He was watching a young couple who were indulging in some outdoor bliss just over the fence in Stockton Field.
The girlfriend of a member who lived on Welton Drive had a particularly stunning
figure. After a summer social event, when there were just a few people left
drinking on the old verandah, she proceeded to strip off and ran starkers across the course in the warm evening air back to the house. Her partner barely noticed, and continued drinking on the verandah.
The same young lady once brought drinks out to her boyfriend and his playing partners as they came down from 12th tee. A very nice gesture.......particularly as she was topless !
Returning from an away match in the Dunham Forest Trophy one team member was given what can be politely described as "hand relief" by the wife of the Captain, in the back seat of the car whilst her husband drove. She did have the decency to conduct this act beneath a car blanket. As the member concerned had actually lost his match, one has to wonder what "service" he would have received had he won !
Two young members simultaneously lost their virginity on Butterfly Bank; one of the chaps being with the other's sister, the simultaneous acts of deflowering taking place just a few feet apart. Brings a whole new meaning to "growing up together".
On one club trip, the coach was leaving the car park when a member was spotted rogering a woman across the bonnet of a car. The coach driver stopped and waited, the gentleman in question getting a hearty round of applause for his perfomance.
An Assistant Pro conducted a "secret" affair [although everyone knew about it] with the stewardess in the greenkeeper's chair. He was confronted by the steward in the pro shop and was asked in a rather forceful and loud voice "Are you shagging my wife ?"
A junior member had a summer job working with the greens staff. His colleagues went to collect him on the tractor from the 6th green. As the tractor climbed the hill from the 4th tee, they were greeted by the sight of a white arse in rhythmic action as the teenager bonked his girlfriend at the side of the green. The greens staff waited patiently until the couple had finished their spot of outdoor delight.
An ex Captain was spotted having a dump behind the 5th green. He made little attempt to camouflage himself and curled one up just like a Walnut Whip. He obviously came prepared for this act, as he produced a toilet roll from his golf bag.
At one club dinner dance the wife of a member arrived late and announced in a very loud voice "I've just been f****d". Her husband was well into his prawn cocktail at this point, so was clearly not the culprit. The husband was "spoken to" by the Secretary the following day.
A particuarly well endowed young lady was at a member's 21st birthday party and allowed the birthday boy to get her tits out behind the curtain next to the dance floor. This was spotted by a group of guests as they were leaving via the verandah door.
In the late 1950s and early 1960s the club gained local notoriety as a heavy drinking establishment. Late opening and riotous parties were the norm. More recent members should be thoroughly ashamed at having not resurrected this reputation.
One young lady member, the daughter of a Lady Captain, was known for wearing knee length boots and a mini skirt, very appropriate in the late 1960s. She was also known for her "accommodating" nature with several members and, even a member of staff ! Shocking !
One of the club's better young players had a purple Mini. The young man in question was over 6 feet tall and this would explain why the vehicle, at dusk one evening in the car park, was seen rocking from side to side with his legs protruding from the window !
A young lady who worked behind the bar went missing during a particularly quiet period one evening. The steward found her in the old men's top locker room "entertaining" her boyfriend, whose arse was going up and down like a steam hammer. She was sacked on the spot, when many male members considered that a pay rise was in order
One member was playing at another club and was getting along famously with a very attractive barmaid. He commented to a chap at the bar that he thought he was in with the young lady. "Don't think so" came the reply "she's my wife !".
One professional was conducting an affair with a particularly accommodating young lady and would take her back to the Pro shop, where numerous Lyle and Scott sweaters, still in their cellophane bags, would be spread on the floor to provide some level of comfort for the girl.
In the 1950s a club Captain was conducting an affair with the Secretary's wife, in the full knowledge of the Secretary who perhaps felt this was a priviledge which came as part of the Captain's office !
A greenkeeper was surprised, when arriving at the 8th green one hot morning in 1976, to find a couple going at it full tilt on the bank between the two trees adjacent to the green. They continued unabashed whilst he connected the sprinkler.
One rather elderley lady member evidently preferred in the summer to play golf without underwear, perhaps believing that the additional "freedom" would help the rotation on her backswing. Having seen everything as she crouched to line up a putt, a greenkeeper remarked "I've seen more hair on fourpenny bacon"
A junior member was working with the greenkeepers one summer. Whilst cutting
the rough he was distracted by a particularly attractive blond walking by the
ladies 5th tee. This resulted in the tractor coming to a very abrupt stop as
the gang mowers hit the oak tree, and the young man's head smashed into the
steering wheel. All of which the young lady found highly amusing.
The gang mowers were seriously bent, but remedial work with a sledge hammer after the greenkeepers had gone home did the trick.
The same junior took particular care of the grass alongside Welton Drive. This was largely due to a woman who sunbathed topless and could be seen by standing on the tractor seat when driving past.
Fodder was spotted immediately after Frank Hardy's funeral at Macclesfield Crematorium. He'd arrived late and not been seen by Dave Austin who said "What's Fodder doing here ?" Colin Bowers immediately replied "Firing up the incinerator !"
One Saturday evening a member went out to the putting green to tell the two
members who had been putting that the presentation was about to start. Neither
were there, but their putters were found next to a gap in the hedge which led
to a house, occupied by a divorced woman, behind the putting green.
On knocking on the back door, one member appeared and intimated that he was waiting for the other to finish what he was doing with the lady upstairs.